Bud Longinteger, page 73

“I have got to calm down. When I start thinking negative I can’t stop.” Bud said. Bud took a seat in a chair.

“Traci must have feelings for me after all she married me. But, if she does love me then why is she not more jealous when I flit with other women right in front of her.

I knew it she does not care about me. I have wasted my life with here. This marriage is 2 years that I will never get back. I never should have gone out on that first date with her.

I should have listened to myself when I always told myself that I could not judge if someone the right person for me to be hanging around. I always told myself I was not good with people.

And now look at me I am going to be a 25 year old divorced man. With the best years of my life behind me. Woe is me.

I remember I was so excited to go on that fist date with Traci. Well if I had know what I know now I would never have gone out with her. I can’t do anything right.

I need to go take a nap. Things always seem better after a nap. Maybe I am over reacting.”

Bud LongInteger, page 72

Ah, what do I know there were no positives in having someone special. Marriage is miserable. I am miserable. I am going to tell Traci I want a divorce at dinner time in about ten years. I am sure I will have built up the courage to tell her by then.

Yes a decade will be enough time for me to get my strength up. I can make it another ten years in this sham of a marriage. Aren’t marriages suppose to be equal partners.

But, this marriage is equal partners if Traci were the only one in the marriage. I am talking nonsense.

Why did I decide to get marriaged. I could have gotten into beekeeping or what about having gotten a rabbit.

Rabbits are cute and furry and they certainly don’t care what I eat for dinner.

I am sure Traci would tell me how late to stay out at night. Except that I don’t go out at night. I must be the most boing person in computer city.

I am a failed computer programmer. A failed ice cream truck driver and a terrible stand up comedian.

Where was I. Oh, yes the positives of marriage. So maybe I was being to rash that there are no positives about marriage.

Bud LongInteger, page 71

And now days most of the time I would prefer the highway. I miss those days when I got to eat pizza every night. Even it was the same old boring topping every night.

Now I let Traci tell me what I can and can’t eat for dinner. I deserve better. I am going to stop writing this right now and go tell Traci how I feel. Wait I remember that I wanted to go to the store and buy a bag of popsicles.

Then I am going to drive home and sat at the kitchen table and eat those popsicles right in front of Traci. Then I am going to tell her that from now on Bud is going eat what he wants to eat for dinner and if that means he wants to eat pizza for dinner every night than that is going to be the way things are going to be in the Longinteger household from now on.

I can’t do that Traci will give me the stink eye and I will crumble like potato chips in Traci’s hand.

I will never be able to do what I want to again.

Oh, where was I. I was saying that there are things I enjoyed about being single but, there were days that I thought it would be great to have someone special.

Bud Longinteger page, 70

I am so frustrated with myself right now. So frustrated. So much time I wasted thinking about pizza going back and forth back and forth over two different pizza toppings. What was I thinking.

Oh, gosh I am supposed to be writing about my first date with Traci. Where are my manners. I start off writing one thing and then I go off on a tangent about some silly thing I did years ago.

For the record we do not have pizza every night. Traci won’t allow it. She says we need to eat healthy. I politely tell her that we are eating healthy for the other two meal of the day so why do we always have to eat healthy for dinner.

For the record I have only raised my voice why I am arguing with Traci in my head you know that she can’t hear me and so that she is in fact not part of the argument.

Getting mad or politely upset with someone in your head is a lot easier than having a argument with them in the real world.

Who am I kidding I will never be able to stand up to Traci. Its her way or the highway for old Bud.

Bud Longinteger, page 69

Of course I would always get the pepperoni and cheese. How did or why did Traci ever marry me. I am as bland as a pasta sauce without spices. How did I end up like this.

And of course after I order the pizza for dinner every night I would get upset with myself for taking so long to decide with to order. I would think why can’t I be like other people in computer city and make snap decisions.

And after every time of getting made at myself for taking so long to order I would promise myself that next time I would make a decision on what pizza topping to order next time in under a minute.

It never happened. So that is 365 days a year times 30 minutes a day. So that is about 180 hours I wasted every year thinking about what topping of pizza to order.

What a waste of time. I could have done something more productive with my time. I could have spent that 30 hour a day playing my favorite video game or driving an RC car. But, no I used it to figure out a pizza topping to order. Yay for me.

Bud LongInteger, page 68

Maybe I have mentioned this before I don’t remember. But, before I met Traci I thought it would be me myself and I to take me through life.

Somedays I felt great about being single. I could go where I wanted to go. I could stay up as late as I wanted to, I could watch whatever movie I wanted to watch, I could stay up as late as I wanted to, I could order pizza for dinner every night if I wanted to.

So as I saw it there were a lot of plusses to being single. And of course I never had any arguments with myself. Or did I. Come to think of it maybe I argued with myself all the time.

For instance I mentioned pizza. And I could never decided if I wanted the same old pepperoni and cheese pizza every night or I wanted to order something else say pepperoni and cheese with pineapple.

It seemed to take me a half hour each night to figure out what type of pizza to order.

I would go back and forth in my head about the good points of each type of pizza. Back and forth. Maybe that was in fact an argument with myself

Bud Longinteger, page 67

I am supposed to be talking about Traci.

Back at the time of my first date with Traci I did not concern myself with how other people might feel about things. I did not care how other people felt. I pretty much ignored other people.

It was all about me and how I felt. I never thought that other people cared how I felt. That never bothered me.

So when I thought of canceling the date because you know I had nothing to wear I never thought of Traci’s feeling. I only thought about how it might make me look if I canceled a date. I am glad I did not cancel the date by the way.

I suppose no one in computer knows how anyone else in computer city feels about things. You don’t know how I am feeling right now and i don’t know how you are feeling. And to be frank I don’t care how you are feeling. And you probably don’t care how I feel.

Relationships have always been tough for me. Its hard for me to trust people. And its even harder for me to trust my trust of other people. I have never thought I was any good at picking the person I should hang around with. Maybe I don’t think people want to be around me either.

So other the years I have begun to trust my trust of other people. Its been a slow process. Why am I talking about this.

I want to get back to talking about my date with Traci!

Bud Longinteger, page 66

My mind was racing with all the bad things that could happen on my date with Traci.

On the other hand my mind was racing with thoughts that told me I was wasting my time on a relationship. I need to spend all my waking hours thing about making money and work. I need to be productive. Worrying about someone to spend my life with was selfish. Computer city had problems and I should be helping with those.

So I was of two minds on the subject of my date with Traci. i don’t know why but, ever since I can remember i have thought work is a better use of my time than relationships.

I once read in a book about a screenwriter who thought work was a stupid waste of time. I do not share that opinion. But, there must be people in computer city who believe that.

I do tend to over work myself. I think that people will notice and compliment me. Someone did call me a hard worker once. How did it make me fee? No different.

So I don’t know why I worry about being a hard worker of people thinking of me as a hard worker.

Wait a minute how did I get to talking about that? This is supposed to be about my first date with Traci.

Bud Longinteger page, 65

You know what I regret. I regret that I did have all my clothes be the same. I mean that I did not have all the same color shirt. I did not have all the same color plants.

If I had clothes that were exactly the same colors I would not have had to waste time thinking about what to wear on my big date with Traci. I could have spent that time worrying about what cologne to wear.

I have never been one for cologne either. At that time I might have had about 2 different types. I was more of a what is it called oh, yes I know what I was thinking of. I was more of a deodorant person.

I had one type of deodorant. Deodorant was like cologne that made me smell good.

I remember that when I was getting ready I was thinking why am I bothering with this. Traci will forget. Traci was only being nice to me so she would never going to go out on a date with me again. I would mess the date up and then Traci would say she had to make a phone call and slip out the back door.

I knew I was going to mess the date up. I could feel it.

Bud Longinteger, page 64

I figured that no one was thinking about me besides well me. Back then I was not the most exciting person in the wold. So why would have anyone wanted to think about me? I can’t think of any reason why anyone would have thought about me for a second.

I bet that I thought I was mister excitement back them. Though maybe I was exciting. Looking back on it I don’t think I was very exciting.

i certainly never thought Traci would ever think about me. I was surprised that she even remembered me.

Its weird no other person knows exactly what another person is thinking. So maybe Traci was surprised that I remembered her. Maybe she was amazed that I liked her or wanted to go out with her. I suppose I could have asked her.

Where was I? Oh, yes Getting ready for my date. I think. You know I was not into clothes. I have never been into clothes.

So naturally did not have anything to wear. And I did not care. Wait that rhymes. I could turn that into a song. If I were a musician. Maybe I should become a musician and get out of computers. Hmm. That is a thought.