Bud Longinteger, page 62

You know I never had criteria for a wife. Or I suppose I could call it a checklist.

I never thought the woman I want to many needs to only shop at places she has a gift card for. She needs to like the same things I like; she must like RC cars, she must like computers, she must like eating bland food.

I suppose all I wanted some a woman who liked me and liked to laugh. And if I ended up single that would have not been the end of the world.

Since if I ended up single I could do whatever I wanted with my money, I could do anything I wanted. I could stay out as late as I wanted, I could talk to who I wanted to talk to. The would would be mine.

There were times I was sad I was single and wished I had some female around who knew me.

I did not want to date traci. I thought getting involved in a relationship would be to problematic. I would have to deal with the woman and her family. i would have to think about someone else besides myself.

And back then I did not do well with thinking anyone else but, myself. You could say that thinking of myself was my best or worst trait.

Bud Longinteger, page 61

Where was I. Oh, yes Traci asked me where I wanted to go on our date.

So anyway I suggested to her that we should go to computer city bakery since I had gotten a gift card to that establishment for my birthday.

Needless to say she was not as thrilled as I was to go to a placer where I had a gift card. thinking back on it I am sure she must have thought what had she gotten herself into. Is Bud that cheap that he has to take me out to a bakery where he has a gift card.

luckily for me she agreed that we should go to computer city bakery. Then we hung up the phone.

And I spent weeks obsessing about what to wear on that big date. then I worried that I had the date we were supposed to go out on the date wrong. What if I had the date date wrong and Traci sat at computer city bakery for hours and was fuming because I stood her up. I am sure she would never believe that I had gotten the date wrong.

And then Traci would never want to go out on a date with me again. and then I would give up dating for the rest of my life. And I would be content with being single.

Bud Longinteger, page 60

“So where do you want to go for our date bud?” Traci said.

I could not believe what Traci was saying. First of all I never thought Traci would go out with me in a billion years. And second of all I never thought a woman would want to go out with me ever.

I was wrong on both counts. Traci wanted to go out with me so I am sure that if she wanted to go out with me other woman would want to go out with me.

I suppose I have always thought that I need a office with my name on the door to be attractive to women. I thought I had to have a great job before I could have a personal life.

I don’t deserve a relationship or anything else for that matter unless I had a great job. And worked 24 hours a day.

You know that does not make sense. If I worked 24 hours a day no one would ever stay with me. So working that much would make women want to break up with me. So why I thought I had to work much to be worth of anything. I have no idea.

And maybe if I had a job I liked I would spend to much time at my job and not enough time with the woman I wanted to have a family with.

So maybe I was better of having a job that I detested. That way I would spend more time with Traci.

Bud Longinteger page 59

So I hung up and decided to call the other number. My hands were again shaking as I dialed the number. Maybe Traci’s number was not in the phone book. Maybe she had left computer city and I would never see her again. That thought did not calm me.

Those thoughts raced through my mind as I listened to the phone ring on the other end of the line. I also wondered if I was being weird. Maybe Traci had a phone but, would not want to pick it up.

This was at a time before caller ID so.Wait a minute. There was called ID around this time. So anyway the phone range and rang. I was about ready to give up.

Then someone picked up. Hello she said. At first I was unsure if it was Traci or not. Then I realized it was her. My mouth was taped shut. I could not say anything. My heart raced. How could I say anything to Traci. She would never like me. She probably had lots of admirers .

Maybe I should hang up and forget about Traci. I was wasting my time. I was better off single. I would be happier if I spent my life singe.

And then something inside me took over. I said “Hello Traci do you want to go out with me this weekend.” I was certain she was going to laugh at me and say you I will never go out with you.

The wait seemed like it took forever. Then she spoke up. Sure Bud. Why not. So where do you want to go.

I could hardly believe what I was hearing. I almost said could you repeat that Traci. But, I did not.

Bud Longinteger, page 58

One thing about me and relationships that I always though. Or at least I thought it as far back as I can remember is that I would never be able to pick a women who I could trust, like, or even get along with. I was sure I was a bad judge of character. So I thought the only option was to live the single life.

Even though at times I did enjoy being single. While at other times when I was smitten with a woman I would think about her and wish I could spend a lot of time with her. In other words sometimes I felt lonely.

As you know I have never been one to have a lot of friends. As proven by the fact that my imaginary friend Varenica was my only friend for years. In fact she still might be my only friend. I suppose I am a loner.

But, there are times where I missed some women and wish I had asked them out or that they were my girlfriends. But, I never did ask a woman out until Traci came along.

I remember the day I asked her out. I had felt horrible that I would never see her again. So I decided to look her up in the phone book. This is at a time when phone books were still a thing. Maybe phone books still exist. Anyway I looked up her number and there were two people with the name Traci in the computer city phone book.

What was I to do. I decided to call both. My hands were shaking as I pressed the numbers on the telephone. I hope Traci would not think I was weird for calling her out of the blue. Was I getting to obsessed with her?

My stomach was ni my throat as I heard the phone ring on the other phone. Maybe I would never be able to find Traci again. Maybe her phone number was not in the book. Or maybe she did not even have a phone.

On the 3rd ring the phone picked up. It was an answering machine. And the woman on the recording did not sound like Traci at all. So I assumed I had dialed the wrong number.

Bud Longinteger, page 57

I tried to put Traci out of my mind. I told myself over and over again that I need to focus on work. Work was what was going to make me happy. A relationship would never make me happy. Relationships were a wast of time. Work was the best use of my time.

As the weeks went by and I threw myself more into more my work I found I got more miserable. I started not wanting to go to work at the company. Pretending that i could program websites was taking a toll on my health.

And during that time I told myself that I should not think about Traci because there were other women in the computer city sea. I did not want to be like other people and say I was in love or that Traci was the one or that Traci was the only women I would ever love.

So I put Traci out of my mind and got down to work. And as I said that made me miserable. I also kept telling myself that only if I would work harder. Work harder and then I would be enjoying life. Accomplish more and I would enjoy life more.

The only problem is that I did not think that my work was important. So what if I pretended to put up websites. I was sure a lot of people had never used a computer or the internet. I wanted to do something in the real world. I wanted to build real things instead of coding 1’s and 0’s into a computer.

Bug Longinteger, page 56

Was i going to focus my life on work. Work that I had no clue how to do.

Or was I going to focus my life on family. A family that I did not want to have. i never thought I was one of the people who was meant to have children or a family.

What choice was going to mater to me in the long run. What would I look back on my life and think I am glad I made that decision? Did I have to make a decision right away.

And if I decided that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Traci. Was I putting to much pressure on her for my happiness.

Then I wondered was happiness something to chase in my life. Was happiness a worthy goal?

I was lost. And to be honest. I am still lost. What is important in life. I have no idea. I don’t know any of the answers. I wish I did.

When I was young all I did was have fun. Now I had to think about what would be fun.

And I took myself to serious. Was anyone going to care what I thought. No. Was I going to tell anyone what I thought no. So I don’t know why I got so serious.

Bud Longinteger, page 55

I was sure that Traci would never be interested in me. She must have had lots of men after he.

And besides I was never going to see her again. So I convinced myself that I needed to forget her and get on with my life.

The only problem was that I did not have much of a life to move on with. I had no personal life outside of my work at the company.

I always told myself Bud the only thing that makes you important is your work. All that matters is work. Work is the only thing that matters in this world.

That attitude made me miserable. Work did not like me back the way I liked it. Work did not give me the attention I gave it. Work did not fill the loneliness that permeated my life.

I tired for a week or two not to think about Traci. That made me miserable so I decide to go ahead and like her. So what if I was never going to see her or so what if she had no interest in me.

Thinking about Traci made me feel better. Thinking about work made me feel worse. What was I to do?

Bud Longinteger, page 53

Traci said that she liked my hand and sunglasses. She thought my sunglasses were cool.

I told her I know. She sat there stunned. I supposed she thought I would gush with pride. I don’t care about clothes.

I had to prop myself up on my right hand to keep myself awake during that boring meeting. I am not a fan of meetings.

When we got out of the meeting Traci stood next to me. Actually she looked right as me as she was walking towards me. I wondered if she liked me.

I was sure I was wrong. I mean she is a woman. What does she want me for. She must have a lot of admirers.

After all I am certain that I am no woman’s number one pick for a husband. I am more of the I don’t want to be alone so I will marry Bud because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone type of man.

I thought maybe I should go up to the woman and say Hi. Then I convinced myself against it. So she left. I was certain I was never going to see her again. I was sick to my stomach.

Why didn’t I talk to her.

Bud Longinteger, page 51

And that thinking got me into trouble. How was I going to be able to work at a company when I did not even know how to turn on a computer.

And to be honest I did not even want to learn how to turn on a computer. I mean why did I need a computer I had been fine without a computer so why add one to my life.

Sure I wanted to be a web designer. I thought maybe I could use pencil and paper to design websites.

Every night I went to sleep after I knew I got the job at the company I could not get a good nights sleep. I imagined the most horrible things happening to me.

I imagined being fired on the first day because I could not use a computer. Berated by my boss for not even knowing how to turn one on.

I always woke up exhausted. I would eat my oatmeal for breakfast and then head back to bed for a nap.

Weirdly that is when I got my best sleep. At night my worries came out of the dark spaces in my mind.

And then the day for my first day at work came.